Freedom from old habits

“As human beings our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world…as being able to remake ourselves.” Gandhi

This remaking process is life-long, our main task perhaps, to recognize more and more deeply the wounds and gifts transmitted to us by parents and ancestors and to transform ourselves into a gift to others. To understand and love ourselves, to understand and love our neighbor.

I have been aided in this process in the last few months by Emotional Alchemy by Tara Bennett-Goleman. This book was one of the inspirations for the women’s retreat I made in Florida in February and that Ruth Fishel (www.ruthfishel.com) and I will use for an upcoming retreat in WV May 31-June 2. Working with Bennett-Goleman’s notions of “schemas” or a “habits the mind uses to organize, store and act on a given task,” I have discovered some old, deep views of myself and patterns of behaving that no longer serve me. The author urges us to use mindful meditation as a prime tool for awareness of our patterns and also for changing the patterns.

Recently I had an experience that helped me look more deeply into one of my “schemas.” I heard that others had made a plan that I felt ignored my stated needs. I felt anger welling up in my throat and said, “No, that won’t work” in a way that afterwards seemed unnecessarily abrupt and defensive. Although I was glad that I had spoken up for my needs, I knew I would owe someone an amends for my anger. Following the recommendations of my meditation teachers, I immediately went outdoors to sit for a moment in the beauty of a spring morning and breathe. I had ten minutes before the person called back and in that time, calmed my body with conscious breathing, feeling the anger, recognizing my “subjugation schema” and opening my mind to my connections to the earth, the sky, the lovely redbud tree, the air coming into my body. My life was not being threatened. What I felt was an old, deep habit of feeling powerless and helpless, controlled by a church that dominated my every thought, word and action. My usual reaction was either grudging compliance (trying to be the good little girl who wouldn’t go to hell if she just behaved, pleasing the unreasonable god of my youth) or rebelling in anger that my needs and feelings didn’t count. “Ah,” I thought, it’s my “subjugation schema” acting up. I recognize you, have called you other names – the character defects of fear and anger. I have often acted upon these instincts and gotten myself into trouble. Now I have many tools and friends to help me change these deep patterns in my brain, my body, my mind and actions.

Throughout the week, there were other calls about the same issue, more drama, increased demands. Although I made other mistakes along the way, I was eventually able to extricate myself and find another solution. I now feel I’ve learned something to share with you.

Mindful breathing helps me no matter what the situation or feeling. It is a tool that I can use anywhere, any time to bring calm and peace to my body and mind. I stop, pause, try not to give a quick answer to a new proposal. I seek advice from teachers, mentors, friends who know me and love me. I pray to the Universe to remind me that I am never alone, that I am connected to all the wise ones, to the best in my ancestors, to all the beauty and freedom of the earth, that I have choices in my thoughts, feelings and behavior. It helps me greatly to have a firm daily meditation practice every morning, so that I remember to turn to meditation when I need it during the day.

Here are some the lessons I learned from looking more deeply at an old habit formed in childhood, seeing how it harms me and others today and finding some actions to take to change my behavior (with the support of loved ones like you):

1.Trust my gut, my best instincts.

2.When someone offers a plan I don’t feel right about or am too tired to make a decision, say “I’ll let you know later.” NOT “Ok.”

3.I don’t have to do ANYTHING I’m uncomfortable doing, unless I think it’s the RIGHT thing to do and need to walk through the discomfort to grow.

4.I have needs. I usually know them, but if I need time to feel what they are and articulate them, it’s fine.

5.If I feel anger or frustration rising, I can say, “I’ll get back to you” and hang up. Then BREATHE, look at my feelings, try to understand what’s going on in me.

6.I don’t need to adopt other people’s plans, drama and urgency as mine. I work hard to keep drama out of my life (except for films and novels).

7.I have a “subjugation” schema that either leads to anger or conceding to things I don’t really want to do. I need to speak my needs clearly and do my own work to meet my needs.

8.I can change these schemas and be FREE!

9. I spend much time relieving stress in myself and others, so why would I deliberately put myself into a stressful situation?

Just as those tiny redbuds burst forth from seemingly solid wood, so can fresh new habits form, new brain waves grow, new freedom emerge.

Mindful Play

What better way to stay in the present moment

than playing with a beloved child?

Running on the beach, finding shells for a necklace,

tossing a wave-jumping ball,

finding a covered stairway on a cold, rainy, snowy day

from which to watch the waves?

No worries about the past.

No fears of the future.

Just joy.

Want to make God laugh? Show her your plans.

 

c@rljones

For the last several years a friend and I have been offering women’s meditation retreats that are very powerful and transforming.  I had just returned from one in Florida to hear that the dates for our May retreat in WV had been taken by another group.  This news was upsetting because we had advertised widely and begun receiving deposits.  Was there another weekend open?  Would the retreat happen?  The retreats are very important to me, one of the main ways I have found in retirement to give to others some of the great gifts I have received in meditation, tools that keep transforming my life.

The anxiety and frustration I experienced waiting to hear from my contact at the retreat venue for the next 24 hours was a great opportunity to “practice what I preach” on the retreats.  My partner and my husband reminded me to BREATHE, relax, take it easy, not struggle, trust.  Ruth (www.ruthfishel.com) was very confident that new dates would work out fine.  I used Qi Gong to keep my vital energy moving, meditation and prayer to calm my mind and help me think clearly.  I focused on taking care of my feelings instead of bugging the person from whom I wanted an answer NOW.  What was going on beneath the surface?  Ego? Fear of embarrassment?  Of not getting what I wanted?  Losing the respect of my women friends? I even knelt down (a desperate posture for this ex-nun) and turned the problem over to the God of my understanding, the Force of Love, the great Mother Earth, the Universe that is bigger than all of us, holding and caring for all our needs.  I wrote “May retreat” on a tiny piece of paper and put it in my God box.  To “turn it over,” I called up the image of Life as a rushing river in which I had the choice to cling stubbornly to a boulder in the middle or “let go” and “go with the flow” of its energy.

Then I noticed that other opportunities were flowing in at the same time – a location for our free Qi Gong class in May, a good movie, a great meeting.  I could give my attention to other people and their needs, letting my anxiety take a backseat.  Waiting is one of the hardest things in the world for me to do – hence my vast need for the tools of meditation, relaxation, patience, ego reduction, a sense of humor that brings perspective.

Relief came eventually, a call last night assuring me that a new date had been scheduled for our retreat.   I need these oases of nourishing peace, joy and calm as much as any of our retreat participants.  And there must be Forces greater than me involved in all the good that flows from them.

“Want to make God laugh?  Show her your plans.”

Spring Hope: International Women’s Day

International Women’s Day 3-8-13

Tiny spits of snow
Trying to assert winter drama
Tickling, floating, dancing in
Dawn’s lightening clouds.

You tricksters have so few days to play

‘til Spring daffodils triumph.

ENERGY WORK

My husband and I joined our Qi Gong (energy work) teacher this morning at 8:00am in a nearby park to practice “animal walking” – the crane, turtle, bear, eagle, deer, tiger and monkey. He offers this free class every Sunday, no matter how cold the weather. I recalled that coming to this class on a January morning a year ago in 23 degree air took away my “winter blues” and helped me to deepen my commitment to energy work.

Then in February of last year, I attended a women’s retreat in Florida where I led Qi Gong exercises each morning at dawn on the banks of the Manatee River. The women were so enthusiastic about these movements as a form of morning meditation that they encouraged me to become a Qi Gong teacher. I wrote an affirmation for 21 days – “It’s so exciting to share my talents with others”- while continuing to attend my twice weekly Qi Gong classes. In March, our teacher Nianzu Li (www.songho.net) invited me to join his first Qi Gong teacher training program. My affirmation worked! After eight months of daily practice, an extra two hour training session on Sunday mornings in the park, in addition to study, journaling and the regular Tuesday class and testing, my husband and I were certified as level one Qi Gong teachers in December.

Just last weekend, I returned to the women’s retreat in Florida to share my gratitude and offer Qi Gong with a new level of understanding and energy in my body and spirit to share with others. Although I had been practicing QG on retreats for many years and leading exercises on retreats and days of mindfulness we organized, I now felt I had much more to offer. I have long felt the health benefits of Qi Gong in relieving arthritis pain, increasing mobility and strengthening my immune system. The spiritual benefits include allowing the energy of nature to enter my body, bringing much joy, peace and stability. This movement form of uniting body and spirit has become a regular part of my morning meditation process.

This morning I felt so much energy, good energy, hopeful spring energy as we breathed in the 30 degree air. Cold air keeps me in touch with life. The trees, the frozen earth and clouds give energy here, just as the warm air, sunshine and Gulf waves gave us energy last week in Florida. This is a powerful form of exercise that I can carry wherever I travel. Everywhere I go, the outdoors is present, whether on the Florida beach or in my backyard.

I am grateful for my teachers – including the daffodils moving through the frozen ground, the crocus buds that know warm air and soft ground will be here soon. I am deeply grateful to have a new level of energy work to share with others. May I continue to learn and grow the rest of my life. May the energy of sun, moon, stars, clouds, earth and air move through my mind, body and spirit to all beings I encounter today.

Sun Energy heals my body

My meditation and Qi Gong this morning were very powerful. I did the last four movements of Sunlight QG in the kitchen facing a real, strong, bright sun penetrating thick cloud cover. Symbolic for health and strength taking hold in my recovering body. I felt the sun’s Qi, energy force, coming directly into my body, opening channels that had been clogged for two weeks, helping blood and energy flow through me as I moved. I knew that I was finally more well than ill.

My readings from Ruth Fishel’s Time for Joy and Thich Nhat Hanh’s Understanding our Mind further energized my spirit. In his chapter on Interbeing, Thay tells me that the Buddha taught that there are Five Powers (see future blogs for the other four).

“First is the power of faith. We need to have faith in the possibility of touching nirvana, of awakening to suchness. This is not blind faith, it is based on our understanding, insight and experience.”

Yes, said my heart, my faith is based on an understanding that my health, my very life is impermanent and at the same time eternal, linked to the life force that has existed in all beings long before my time and will continue long after I live in this moment, in this body. I have had much experience with health challenges, as have most humans. This experience tells me that illness comes and goes, that none of us escape illness. But even during the longest days of listlessness, coughing, loneliness, uselessness and fatigue, I knew for certain, based on my experience, that these feelings and bodily weakness would pass. Now they have passed! I need to be careful as I try to resume some “normal” activities, but I am moving in the direction of health, energy and life today.

The insight? That I am never alone, no matter how alone I feel….that I am one with the energy of sunlight even when I cannot see it, that all suffering can be transformed with the energy of mindfulness. As last week I surrendered to the reality of illness, today I surrender to the energy of life. I smile a genuine smile of deep happiness. All life is a gift. I am so grateful – for both the clouds and the sunlight.

Meditating through Illness

This is my 10th day of illness with the flu. I denied it at first, thought it might be a three-day cold that I could escape with vitamins, rest and fluids. I have not been ill in so long I can hardly remember….a year at least. The coughing continues, keeps me awake at night, challenges me to stay indoors – with myself.

I suppose I could consider that this has been a ten-day retreat – with many hours of silence, being alone, quieting my mind and stilling my body, watching snow fall outside the window – as if I could really do much else. I would make lemonade with this gift of alone silence, a very inexpensive retreat, a time to let go of imagined responsibilities and take care of the one person I could.

Most mornings I was able to do my meditation routine: journaling and Sunlight Qi Gong, facing east in the kitchen, knowing that the sun is there, behind the thick clouds.  I’m sure it is….a scientific fact, right?  Then prayer and meditation in the big black chair after reading a page of Ruth’s Time for Joy and a passage from Thay’s Understanding the Mind.

It is so comforting to have a morning practice of prayer and meditation, something I can do even when ill.  It restores my focus on living in this day, accepting the gifts life has to give me in this moment – a warm home, a loving husband, healthy happy children and grandchild, friends, the stark beauty of winter ice.  I am connected, at peace, hoping to be of service again soon.  My glass is always way more than half full.

Hug Your Beloved Now!

    Last night at the Washington Mindfulness Community, we listened to a tape from Thich Nhat Hanh’s 21 day retreat in June, 2012 in Plum Village and recited the Five Mindfulness Trainings.  The talk related the same story I had just read that morning before meditation, so I thought it might be a special message for me today.  In Understanding the Mind (p. 203), Thay says:

    “Through the practice of deep looking, we can see the interdependent nature of all things and transform delusion into illumination….When your beloved says something that hurts you, try this practice: Close your eyes, breathe mindfully in and out, and visualize the two of you one hundred years from now.  After three breaths, when you open your eyes, you will no longer feel hurt; instead, you will want to hug her.  These are examples of touching nirvana.  We learn to touch the whole and not get caught in small situations.  Imaginary construction brings about the misery of samsara.  The nature of nirvana opens the door of wisdom and reveals the realm of suchness.  The bridge between the two is insight into the interdependent nature of reality.”

A very similar instruction was given to us by Anh Huong about hugging meditation at the ceremony to transmit the Five Mindfulness Trainings on Saturday – “Breathe three times, realizing how precious it is that your friend is here, alive, that she will no longer be in your arms in 100 years.”
    This notion of how contemplating impermanence and inter-being and our deep connections with our loved ones across space and time can transform our actions and attitudes in the present moment stayed with me during the day.  Later, my husband and I were taking down our Christmas tree and lights outdoors.  Although I experienced a little sadness that these lovely lights would be packed away for a whole year, I also knew that it was freeing to have the holiday finished.  I gave special care in wrapping up decorations that I had made with my son 30 years before, realizing that I might not be alive next year to unwrap them.  So, I marked each set of lights and package of homemade decorations with notes for whoever might open them next Christmas.  It would be a small act of “continuation,” an act that made this moment more precious, my actions more mindful.  I paused in the work to give my husband a hug, appreciating his warm aliveness, knowing that our love would endure whatever challenges this year might bring.

    It is possible to be happy right here, right now, in this moment, no matter what is happening, no matter what external circumstances are challenging us.  We have our breath, our awareness of the precious and fleeting nature of this moment, this breath, this human lifespan.  In touching our breath, we can also touch the Ultimate reality that we will never die, just transform.  We are not only a brief wave on the ocean, but the whole ocean itself.  We are already everything we need to be in this moment.  We have every condition for happiness, right here, right now.  What joy impermanence can bring!

Impermanent Solstice

For a few moments this morning I caught the dawn
On the shortest day of this year
Before the Solstice stretches out our sun time
Lightening our little pains

Dreaming meditation?

Photo by Kathy Crabbe

Have your dreams, your journaling, your periods of mindful meditation opened doors of truth for you? What morning routine works best for you?

Here is an example of one routine that works for me, so I share it for anyone who might find it helpful. The first thing I do every day after rolling out of bed is to write whatever I can remember of my dreams. A recent example from my journal:

Dream: I was staying in a home of friends in India and decided that I would help out by taking two bags of laundry to the nearby laundry place. it turned out to be a veritable palace, with lovely separate buildings, covered with glass chips, bright paint in blues, yellow, red, turquoise and rose. I was treated like royalty, given a seat and a place to write exactly what I wanted done with the laundry. I noticed that the icons on this desk were Christian in nature, very subtle, small carvings in metal of apostles. I was fascinated by the place and enjoyed being there.

I have had the habit for decades of beginning my day with journaling, first writing whatever I remember of my dreams. Why? Years ago I studied Karl Jung’s theory of the collective unconscious and want to understand the workings of my own mind more deeply, to record what I see there, to discover connections with the wider world. I find the dreams sometimes contain images of places, people and experiences I have never had in this lifetime (I’ve never been to India, haven’t been to a laundromat for years). I don’t usually spend much time trying to analyze the dreams, just record them for possible use in future writing, perhaps notice familiar feelings or people, patterns of behavior. Sometimes they contain clear messages or inspire my creative writing. I have also participated in dream workshops in a theater group that led to amazing insights and works of art that spoke to others of their own experiences.

Are dreams real? Do they connect me with the “Great Mind” of all human thought, the collective unconscious? I have a deep feeling of “interbeing” in dreams, that I am not separate from the other people and happenings, but am part of worlds beyond conscious thought. The “flow” is so illogical, so experiential, so fast, more like the direct sensations I experience in the “real” world when I am mindful of each moment. As in waking life, there is an urge to grasp the dreams, to hold something that changes as quickly as one moment replaces another. I practice letting go.

I also find that writing down the emotions I feel in the dream transforms those feelings. Fears lessen as they appear in black and white on the page, a form outside my mind. Writing the dreams also changes their nature from quick, fleeting images to something appearing more permanent, tangible, even if their written from is different from the memory.

As I re-incorporated daily meditation into my life, I found that the journaling of dream images gave me a disciplined transition from my sleeping self to my waking, conscious mind. Writing the dreams, then a brief inventory of the previous day, any strong emotions or problems I might face in the present and an affirmation that solidifies my intentions for the day readies my mind for formal meditation.

My next step after journalling is to read from something from a wise person, such as Thich Nhat Hanh. This morning, his

Understanding the Mind

connected to my musings about my dream writing process:

“We store all the images we get from the realm of representation in our store consciousness. The image of a friend, her beauty, her anger, all these things are stored in our consciousness. We go to the archives and take these things out, in order to use them. Poets and artists work a lot with this realm, combining images that already exist into new images. Dreams also occur in the realm of mere images. (p. 128).

Now I am ready to sit quietly, my body calmed by Qi Gong exercises, my mind clear of whatever emotions, dreams or problems I needed to record, open to whatever comes in meditation. As in the dream world, thoughts, feelings and perceptions will come and go. All thoughts and feelings are as impermanent as clouds, as dream images. Yet doors to truths about myself, the world, my relationship to other people may be offered to me in them. Though a cloud or a dream comes and goes quickly, a deep look at its essence might reveal truths of the universe. Mind consciousness is the root of all action and speech. This process of looking at and calming my mind will affect what I do with the rest of my day, the actions that seem more “real.”

What is your experience with dreams, journalling, meditation practice, finding your connections to the world inside you and outside your mind?